• Wrong Spray Merely Freshens Attacker

  • Chardonnay Vomited Into NPR Tote

  • Harlem Globetrotters Keep Basketball Just Out Of Reach Of Make-A-Wish Kid

  • Headlights Caught In Deer

  • Laugh Track Easily Amused

  • Gun Owner Ready For Them

  • Coin Flip Disputed

  • Vibrator Left On All Night

  • Wildlife Preserved In Basement Freezer

  • Furtive Glance Futile

  • Christian Rock Band Gives Up Pyrotechnics For Lent

  • Song From Area Man’s Past Comes Back To Rock Him

  • Jewish Senior Schlepped To Emergency Room

  • Insomniac Pulls All-Dayer

  • Wife Embarrasses Husband In Front Of Prostitute

  • Living Room Died In

  • All Else Fails

  • Fetus Can Feel Daddy Kick

  • Apology Screamed

  • Brand Name Trusted


  • ICE Releases Gavin Newsom Beheading Video

The Onion: Sending Emails For Over A Hundred Years.

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  • Report: 73% Of America’s Food Waste Traced To Really Messy Toddler



Historical front pages from The Onion's historical archive.